Forbidden

Prototypical New England. The apple, a staple in the diet of any cold blooded northerner. Dipping temperatures ushered in with spectrum shifting leaves– it is the season of the great apple harvest, Autumn. Diverse is the opportune word when discussing these magical morsels. Green, yellow, red, rose, tie-dyed, round, oblong, dented, bruised or poisonous, apples are like snowflakes; seemingly all different and distinct in their own wonderful way. There are over 7,500 different variety of apples in the world and 148 different types just in New England. Deciphering apples is an art in and of itself. Breeds may share some of the same characteristics but these crossovers tend to stop at appearance. Two similar looking apples will have different flavor and consistency, leaving the eater baffled and tricked. It is the apple’s own practical joke, they have a great sense of humor. 

Apples will be reviewed on a five star scale. One star being the least desirable and most disgusting, five stars indicate cream of the crop, the holy grail of Malus Domestica. 

The star count is based on a very specific criteria: overall taste, crunchiness, aesthetic appearance, portability, and seductiveness/sexual appeal of the eating process.

Rating System:

* -inedible, ugly, soft, hassle to hold, makes eater look undesirable and perhaps even grotesque

** -general distaste, certainly not pretty, weak audibility when bitten, easily bruised      

*** – enjoyable, solid bite, not an eyesore, may try variety again  

**** – truly a delight, unmistakable pop, feels great in hand, holds up under weight  

***** – can evoke the fall of mankind

Apple species: American Beauty- “Pygmalion”

An apple commonly overlooked due to its unappealing physical appearance. Brown freckles splatter its crimson skin. The deepest under-skin appears to be a shade of puke green. It has skin like ultra fine sand paper that would not seem pleasant to the eater. Rubbing it on a t-shirt will reveal a reflective sheen. This apple requires an aggressive approach. A dark horse of sorts–the interior flesh is phenomenal, stark white with limited pulpiness. Two paralleled bites will leave limited skin, a true testament to its size. It is of solid weight and shape, resembling a baseball. This apples yearns to be tossed in the air and handled with weathered hands. The flesh is sweet and dry, it can be eaten without a napkin. A perfect companion for a walk in the woods. It is strong enough to withstand being buried by several hard cover books or wedged between a backpack and a water bottle. This apple is not for the faint of jaw, it will require mouth muscle that some may not be willing to exude. While its beauty will not make anyone swoon, it is an all-around solid apple that will be a reliable option in one’s fruit holster.

A personal favorite. Not for everyone but appreciated by those who have the balls to try something out of the ordinary.  

****

Apple species: Red Delicious- “The poisoned apple”

Perhaps the most recognized apple, a picture of a Red Delicious would be shown next to the definition of “apple”. It can be commonly seen on a teacher’s desk or being given to Snow white. It will often be donned with a sticker from an apple conglomerate, shipped to Stop and Shops, and displayed in front due to its vein beauty. The Red Delicious comes with an artificial wax not found on freshly grown orchard apples. This superficial apple may look flawless but tastes like it has been grown on an assembly line and transported in on a tanker truck. The apple has a very bland, almost bitter taste that will linger much longer than desired. This apple has no right being a regular in the “apple cannon”. There is a high level of seductive quality to the Delicious but cannot to displayed due to the near impossibility of actually stomaching it. The Red Delicious should never be consumed, even under dire circumstances. If presented with one resist the urge to eat it, instead use it as a door stop or to test out one’s arm strength. 

Shallow, vile, and boring. Beautiful to look at but disgusting to eat. Food for a deer without taste buds.  

**

Apple Species: Granny Smith- “Falstaff”

A clumsy apple perhaps unaware of its follies. It can be referred to as the “potato” of apples. Far better cooked than eaten raw. The Granny Smith wants so badly to be adored. Upon first bite the Granny tastes almost lemon like, provoking pain in the salivary glands and forcing the lips to pucker. A difficult apple to eat on a consistent basis. It is most tasty when peeled, slices, sweetened, and cooked in a pie. It is very easily recognized and is of charming appearance. The provocativeness of this apple is based on how seductive one can look while eating a la mode.   The Granny has a mossy green color that covers the fruit from top to bottom. Certainly not a sickening snack but not one that will be eaten with any kind of consistency. Jawbreakingly hard. The Granny needs to accept its fate and perhaps be grown already immersed in sugar and cinnamon. 

This apple is not recommended to be consumed straight, Makes sublime wine, Circumstantially irreplaceable

***

   

Apple Species: Golden Supreme- “The White Whale”

A flawless example of the original fruit. An enigma in the world of produce. Many autumn days have been spent searching through farmer’s markets and stopping at roadside farm stands in search of this sensuous superfood. The Supreme looms over its lesser brethren, casting a superior shadow. An offspring of the golden apples grown in the Garden of the Hesperides that gave immortality to those who consumed them. When held the Supreme feels as though it is an extension of one’s own extremity. Vibrant gold surrounds its skin, radiating color as if it is donning a halo. The cutest smudge of orange and pink is pressed like a thumb print. It requires a perfect amount of exertion when attempting to penetrate into its silky flesh. The crunch plucks musica universalis. Juicy drops dribble down the chin, allowing one to bathe in its enchantment. The Golden Supreme inspires droves of suiters, yearning for a nibble. The type of fruit that instills a belief in a higher spirit.  

Perfection.

*****